Friday, October 21, 2005 .

Clouds in My Coffee
(disclaimer: this post is far more self-centred than any other prior)

I surprise myself by saying that Brunei wasnt as hellish as i'd thought it would be. I surprise myself more when i realise that i enjoyed myself. despite the terrain and weather, i came out of it unscatched and more importantly changed- reborn even, if i might say so without sounding melodramatic.




imagine you're decked out in your clean uniform and all your equipment. you think that it wouldnt take an hour for you to be drenched in sweat and dirtied by foreign soil. you thought wrong. it didnt take 2 minutes before you walk yourself into a seasonal stream that most Singaporeans would call a river. chest deep in the muddy water, you wonder why you bothered changing into a fresh set of clothes that morning.


this is not new to you, neither will it be one bad experience. it'll be one continual cycle. for the next 4days your toes will swim in your boots and you'll squirm in your drenched uniform. you really cant tell if you're drenched in sweat, rain or river (okay, fine. stream) water. and more often than not your legs are mud encrusted up past the knee.


in short, you're a walking eco-system.


you clock less than 7hours of sleep in 4 days because it usually rains from 4pm till 4am. so it's either too cold, too wet or that the ground is too slippery (you're on a slope) for you to sleep. but really, usually it's most definately all of the above at once. you swore you never shivered so hard. and once again, you're surprised to find out that you're not the least bit sleepy nor lethargic the next day. it's weird.


you even find energy to help the other guys carry their heavy weapons up the damned mountain.
and you wonder how you manage that.
was it the daily prayers for strength, confidence and determination?
you'd like to think so. because very honestly, you definately couldnt have done it on your own.

and it feels good and strange at the same time.




near the end, you cross this kilometer wide padi field, waist deep water cluttered with the burnt wood that was previously rooted on that soil. the rain and the padi field and the uniformed context you're in feels familiarly like the Vietnam war. but you wonder how that could be familiar.


you leave your field pack along with Company Commander's on the ground next to a tree. you come back to your pack 20mins later and find it floating away. well, almost. if it werent snagged in the branches, your pack would be somewhere kilometers away. water level rises like you've never seen before. like as if Brunei were hit by the tsunami. insane.


and you manage to make it through that.
you impress yourself. nevermind if no one was there to see you in it.
impressing yourself was so much more important.




just before anyone thinks im btiching about Brunei, well, i'm not. honest!
i really did like it there.
i'm not bragging.
the night before the Company Exercise, my GA was like, sir you better not go la, go see MO take MC. i was down with a fever and flu. i couldnt believe that i wanted to get better so i could carry on with training. i'm not sure what it was, but it just felt right and after it all, it felt good. i feel more complete.


it has been life changing. i'd like to think that Jason was right;
"Not the deed which you choose, but that which befalls you, against your will, your mind, and your desire, that is the path you must thread, thither do i call you, there be you His disciple, that is your time, that is the path, your Master trod."


had it been said any other way, it would have not been half as accurate.


i didnt miss home or not having my computer or local food. i only missed shopping.
strange.


i just wanted to say that this trip was life changing for me both professionally and spiritually.
the terrain and weather only strenghtened me and made me appreciate simple things.
whatever right?


strange things have happened over the past weeks. im guessing it's only a matter of time that i find out how much ive really changed, if im changed at all.






THE END

screaming infidelity at 5:30 PM
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