Friday, December 02, 2005 .

Rain Is Like An Orchestra To Me


i pulled opened my drawer this morning.
it's a small drawer with a lock that i keep important documents in.
documents and articles that are important to me, and seldom anyone else.


after rummaging through trash like certificates and bank statements i found my hands buried in letters. the oldest one dates 1999, most recent was 2003. i guess before and after those years i was blanked out or something.


it's amazing how reading old letters brings you back to the exact moment you first read it. for me, most of those letters were as sad as they were nostalgic. and there's so much that i wish i could have changed, so so many people i should have treated differently - better. and it's just like that, the last years of my pre-adult life sprawled out before me and i can do nothing to change any of it. not now. not anymore. i dont know what i'd give to go back and make things differnt.
by comparison, being a shadow might have been a wiser choice. not messing up those good years of your life would have sounded like a good idea.

i've lost so many friends in the process. good ones at that. and while i might have felt so much more alive back then, it's only when you lose something that you really learn to appreciate it. it's in vain; appreciation never changed the past. dwelling in it doesnt either, but at least it lets you relive some of the moments you wish could last forever. moments you wish your past was entirely like.


it's not about the wrongs or the hurt, it's about doing it repeatedly. even though you know it's gonna kick your ass, you still do it. and when you remember why it was a bad idea to walk down that path, the fastest way out isnt exactly what anyone would call 'damage control'. you dont have a choice. WRONG!! you had a bloody choice... ...that you decided to ignore.


and who's to blame but yourself? you could blame it on that one fatal mistake that put you in all this shit, but you know it wouldnt have been different even if you didnt make that mistake. and besides, you half enjoyed that screwed up life you had, that you could have made so much better. sorry ass.


it's a tad too late now. so just wallow in self-pity and be happy about it.

screaming infidelity at 12:34 PM
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